Friday, March 21

I've briefly mentioned that I've been having trouble with one of my best friends, avoiding me, judging me, getting upset when I don't agree with her advice or opinions, etc., Her name is Linda. She seems to have disappeared. I don't know where the Linda I knew has gone. Many people have asked me what is wrong with her, where the "old Linda" is, and I can't answer because I have no clue. Especially after getting this letter from her today. Hey Karen, I have been keeping my distance because I was afraid to hurt your feelings. I have been biting my tongue to stop from saying things that would jeopardize our friendship. I now realize that by saying nothing and avoiding the situation I am being more hurtful. This is really hard for me to say, I feel like in the recent past you have been using your illness to manipulate me. When I have tried to approach you about concerns with your relationship with Jeff and your health you turn on the tears. I know you don't feel well but I feel like the illness has been your crutch to get what you want. It was disheartening to see you walk down the hall like an 80 year old woman and have people ask me what is wrong with you. I just wanted to grab you by the shoulders and say "buck up", "grow up", "deal with it". I found myself avoiding you because I was afraid once I let loose I wouldn't be able to stop and would forever damage our friendship. I felt like I was always torn between my friendship with you and my friendship with others. Like I had to make a choice, you or them. When I invited other friends to lunch I felt like you were totally ignoring them to the point of being rude to them. I thought as adults we should at least be able to play together without this "I don't like her and I won't go if she does". My god that's something children do...not adults. I love surrounding myself with friends, I don't expect them to be best buddies with each other but I do expect them to be grown up and enjoy the experience of being together. You have put me in a position more than once where I felt like I had to choose. That's not fair, I am upset but mostly with myself for allowing it to happen. As a true friend my job was to point this out and figure out together how we can work through it. But I knew you would start crying and I would feel guilty. I've always said friend should be able to say what's on their mind and not have to walk on eggshells with each other. I haven't felt like I could say these things without you bursting into tears. In addition you used your illness as an excuse for not dealing with carrying on with life. You have completely surrounded yourself in self-pity to the point where I didn't want to see you all crumpled up and complaining about your pain. I know you hurt but you isolated yourself in your pain. Instead of making the best of what health you have and going on you let it consume you. As a friend I should have let you know that people and friends were avoiding you because it was the same thing day after day. I have several friends (one is dying) that lives with pain everyday of their life but you would never know it by looking at them. The only way I know one of them is in pain is by looking in her eyes. She has a smile on her face, her shoulders back and a kind word for everyone she passes. Karen you are a dear friend. You brought out the child in me. You were there when I needed you through emotional and physical upsets in my life. I cherish what we have but I can't let you drain me of energy. I feel like I'm totally drained and a huge black cloud is hanging over my head after a visit with you. You have been so negative and just wouldn't look at the bright side of things. It was almost like you wanted the attention the pain was giving you. But what you don't realize is that you were pushing people away. I'm so sorry I had to write this down instead of talking face to face. I get too emotionally caught up in person and felt like I could be more honest in print. I hope you read and understand this letter with the heart felt love I am writing it with. I would never want to hurt you or destroy our friendship. Love, Linda I'm hurt, I'm shocked that she'd even think these things, and I'm confused. She has the right to feel the way she feels, but honestly I can't see how she can possibly be my friend and think and accuse me of these things. The things she's accusing me of are so ridiculous I almost want to laugh! We've always respected our other friendships - I never just expected her to be my friend, I knew she had other friendships and that was fine and dandy with me. What an ego! I'm far from perfect, but a lot of what she's saying, I have no clue what she's talking about. I will respond, after I've calmed down and collected my thoughts. I have a lot of questions, about when these things happened. Why she's thinking I've used my health issues to manipulate her, I have no idea. Why would I do that?! What would I gain? Tears were because I was in so much pain and so frustrated. Pretty much at the lowest point of my life, she does this. I have to ask myself what kind of friend does that. Another really low point, a few months back when Jeff and I broke up, she went off on me like you wouldn't believe. Saying that I, my life, and my relationship with Jeff was pathetic. Then a few days later she apologizes and said another one of her friends was "draining" her and so she needed someone to unload on. I don't want to jump to any hasty decisions but right now, but I'm wondering if I should even continue a relationship with her. I have felt the past 3 months that my health has inconvenienced her because I haven't been able to go out with her to movies, shopping, etc. How selfish can one person be? When she went through 3 months of hell healthwise, I was there for her every step of the way. If she couldn't go out, I'd go to her house and spend my day off with her. Then she has attached at nice little thing about "girlfriends and how they're supposed to be there for you". What a fucking joke coming from her along with this letter.