Sunday, February 23

I'm not myself. I'm in constant pain and its taking so much out of me to even function half way and my energy level is so low. My emotions are up and down, most my emotional energy is going towards keeping up a brave front. I've had some of my friends comment that they miss me, and to be honest, I miss me too. I hate feeling so rotten. This RA flare up is taking its toll and I just am at a loss of what to do most of the time. I don't mean to sit here and bitch - I just want to explain that I'm still here - I'm just surrounded by pain and you'll have to be patient with me until I can get through this. I also want to really thank everyone who stops by and gives me encouragement. It means the world to me. Its what I need - the encouragement to keep going. To know that people out there really care and are concerned and are pulling for me - my own personal cheering section, if you will. A good friend of mine had been avoiding me because she didn't know what to do. She said she was frustrated and didn't want to see me in pain all the time. Well, that makes two of us. Then she starts in on me about needing to go to a pain clinic because this one friend of hers said I needed to. I can't go to a pain clinic because my insurance doesn't cover it. I'm already swamped with medical bills and cannot afford it. I don't have a husband's income like they do to fall back on. At first I appreciated the effort she was putting in - trying to solve my problems, but now I'm getting down right pissed off. I don't want or need her to solve my problems. I want her to be my friend and I want her to quit talking about MY health problems with that woman. I don't like that woman, she's a two-faced bitch and has been so rude to me. My friend knows how I feel about this woman, but still she talks to her about me. I don't think that's right. I know I need to say something to my friend, but not sure how to go about it. I'm seeing doctors and they're doing what they can for me. There are no easy answers for RA and Ulcerative Colitis. I've pretty much done squat today - and yesterday for that matter. I'm sooo sleepy all the time. I keep taking cat naps, but wake up so stiff and sore I can hardly move. I'm gearing up for work tomorrow - but I can honestly say that I'm looking forward to going. Work is a good thing for me. It helps me forget my pain (as much as I can) and makes me feel useful. I hate sitting here doing nothing, I really do. I like to veg, but not when its forced. No fun if its forced. Well, enough wining ;-) I'm gonna head off and try and move around. I hope everyone had a great weekend!